The Pendulum

One of the stranger things that I have had to deal with over the past few years has involved the issue of memory. To explain the bigger picture briefly; my memory skills are not exactly fantastic. It’s weird because I can remember certain things that go back to when I was a very young kid, but I have a difficult time remembering what I did just a few days ago. I always have to ask my wife about certain events in our lives because I’m not good at mental recall and she is. As a result of this, my thinking process doesn’t often involve going back to another time mentally when dealing with present-day events. You would think that this problem has to do with the aging process but no, I’ve pretty much been this way since I was a kid. It’s been a lifelong issue for me but at least it’s not senility, right? At this moment I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night. Yeah…

Anyway, back to the issue concerning my memory over the past few years. There are times when I cannot get myself to leave the hospital within my mind. Something inconsequential will trigger it, but I’ll start to think about my time there for no discernible reason or purpose and the thoughts remain for a while. They can involve lying in the hospital bed, dealing with a staff member, or just about anything else, but my mind often goes back when prompted by something that is happening in the present. I also do this regarding my time spent in physical therapy. It takes very little to actually trigger the thoughts but my mind goes back to the place, people, conversations, and events. It doesn’t occur every day and it is happening less frequently as time goes by, but it occurs far too often. The thing is that I go back to these places and people with a good degree of clarity. It’s as though it was just yesterday.

The reason that this is all so strange to me involves what I explained at first; I have a bad memory. I have spent weeks at really great vacation spots and months working on certain projects. I have had some really great experiences in my life, but I always have to rely on my wife as a source of reference concerning many of these nifty events. I should add that I have also gone through some fairly grueling times and great challenges throughout my life. So…why is it that I can’t think back on the details of a two week holiday in a super-cool location?  Why is it that I never really think of the various trials that I have faced throughout the years? I seldom think back to the many things that have occurred in my life, but I do think about the hospital and physical therapy. It’s as though my mind is determined to place me back within that time period.

It would be great to have present-day events prompt my mind back to time spent on a beach or in a museum. A game at Fenway Park or time spent with friends during the carefree innocence of youth would be a really nice mental fixation. Perhaps even some time spent at a plush hotel where the room made me feel as though I was far wealthier than I am. These are things that would be a great source of mental flashback for me. Instead, current events cause my mind to think back to my time spent at the hospital and rehab center. I can’t seem to really leave that time in my life. It truly is one of the stranger things…