The Changeling

There are times when I consider the way that I operate in life now in comparison to the way that I did before the motorcycle accident and I’m truly astonished at the differences made by a single event in time. I guess it isn’t really a single event when I couple the accident with all of the things that have been necessary to recover from all of the injuries inflicted on my body. It has required a lot of attention and effort over the years and continues to dominate in certain ways to this day. Many of the changes in the way that I do things have nothing to do with my physical condition, but rather with the way that my thinking process has changed over time.

The way in which I look at our finances is one of the things that has changed to a fairly large extent. I have always been responsible with our money (both of my parents worked as accountants and served as an example of conservative personal financial management). However, I have also allowed a degree of more liberal spending within my life for things such as vacations, along with large purchases such furniture and any given items that can be considered as unnecessary but fun. I’ve always been of the opinion that life is too short for us to save everything simply for the end. When my accident occurred, we had a balance on a credit card and did not have a penny in savings. Things are very much different now. We signed my wife up for a retirement savings plan at work a few years ago while also starting a personal savings account with the goal of saving six months of net income for immediate availability. We also recently signed up for a retirement savings plan at my work. Additionally, we have no credit card debt whatsoever and only purchase things with the card when we have the money available in our checking account to pay the bill in full upon arrival. We only spend according to income and we budget the money carefully. My feeling in all of this is that I cannot allow myself to die and leave my wife with financial problems. Weird, right?

The money is only the proverbial tip of the iceberg when it comes to weird. Even stranger is the way that I now leave my house when I’m there alone. I’m home alone a lot during the daytime hours on weekdays, and I often leave the house for the sake of errands. Some of these errands involve perhaps ten or fifteen minutes of time. Before the accident I would leave the house for the sake of short errands with the lights left on, the TV running, and any assorted things left “as is” such as a tool on a surface or paperwork on a table. I always figured that those things were not worth the bother because I was returning within just a few minutes. All of that has changed since the accident. Now I really don’t leave anything undone when I go out for an errand, even if I’ll only be gone for a few minutes. I make certain that the volume on the TV is set to normal (my hearing is bad and I have the volume set louder when no one else is home) and I make certain to shut it off. I set my recliner to the fully upright position and make sure that everything is picked up and tidy. 

The reason for all of this? In the back of my mind I believe that making it back home is not guaranteed. I leave the house as though I won’t make it back. You see, the morning of the accident I left very casually to get a haircut. I was expected back within an hour, but I didn’t make it back for a month and a half. Several of the medical people at the hospital claimed that I shouldn’t have made it back at all. In my mind I consider the uncertainty involved and always leave as though I might not return. See? Weirder.

There are several other things that have changed since the accident, and all in all those things often remind me that I’m doing fine, but I’m not the same. It’s just that the accident changed my mindset concerning personal invincibility and reminded me that I’m not Superman. It was a bit of a letdown to find out that I’m more of a Clark Kent.