Paranoia

I’ve mentioned before that I am now taking care of my new niece. She’s adorable and has a very sweet personality (you know… for a baby). She requires about as much attention and work as any three month old would, but she really is a good baby and doesn’t need a lot of “extra” effort like some kids do. My energy levels have been very much deficient since the accident, and this babysitting gig has been a little rough on me. I’ll only have her until sometime next week, and then I’ll not have her again until mid-August when I’ll begin taking care of her every weekday throughout the school year. I believe that family should help family, and I do count it an honor to be able to help my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, but some days leave me a bit drained.

There’s something that I’ve noticed about myself during the past couple of weeks as I’ve spent my days alone with the little cutie. Almost every time that I pick her up I have an overwhelming thought in the back of my mind that I need to be extra careful to consider every move that I make. It’s not a normal “ooh, I’d better be careful because I have a baby in my arms” type of thought. It’s more like a “crud, my messed up body better not drop this kid and cause some type of major injury” kind of thought. It’s in the back of my head all day. My body has functioned well throughout time with a variety of physical tasks since my accident, but this baby handling thing is freaking me out a little. The thought that I’m not who I used to be physically is always there, like an alarm ringing in my head. I don’t know, maybe in the end it’s a good thing to worry as long as it causes a greater degree of caution. It’s just odd to me that I’ve lost a measure of confidence in myself, and it makes me feel as though my motorcycle accident has stolen yet another part of me.